This is about a bloggy post as anything I’ll ever write, but I was out for drinks with my future coworkers yesterday evening and almost spit out my beer when I realized: I’M NOT ALONE.
Let me back up and explain
Before coming to France, I ended up on YouTube watching lots of videos by Not Even French and Unintentionally Frenchified. The founders of the respective channels, New Zealander Rosie and American Kate, covered all sorts of US-French topics. Of course, the ones that caught my attention the fastest were the ones about dating French men. In a classy, lighthearted way, these older millennial women explained what I would come to learn firsthand: dating in France can be weird as f*ck for an American – or any nationality.
I got together with the French guy who is now my fiancé shortly after moving to Paris to au pair in 2018. From there, I spent the next few months in perpetual cross-cultural romantic hell because I couldn’t figure out what was going on.
We had a good time when we spent time together, and we each made an effort to make the relationship work between my French city and his. There was just one glaring, major red flag in my mind: he never asked me to be his girlfriend.
It’s funny how you don’t really consider what you need while you’re dating until you don’t have it
Early on, American children learn that the pinnacle of a flirtation is one simple question: “Will you be my girlfriend?”
From the onset of a mutual flirtation, even in grade school, this question is simmering just beneath the surface of all exchanges. It brings a sort of energy and dynamism to interactions that peak when the question is (or isn’t) ultimately asked. Following this point is the well-documented honeymoon phase.
In France, it’s completely the opposite: flirtations spike and ebb like an unsteady heartbeat. French women tend to be socialized to be non-committal and even a little aloof. It’s all part of a culture called “draguer” that treats dating as one long, interminable game and, in heteronormative relationships, basically requires the man to be actively chasing his woman, even if she’s been his woman for some time. (This video illuminates the classic Parisienne approach to dating, which is like dating French men Level Expert.)
So what happens when you put an American girl who’s been socialized to expect “will you be my girlfriend?” (even if she knows it’s perfectly fine for her to ask, too), with a self-described oblivious French guy?
It depends on the American. My approach was to try and be patient because I’d watched all these videos about him and his culture and I thought I had the composure to wait it out.
(Insert “Jane the Virgin” narrator voice: She did not, in fact, have the composure to “wait it out.”)
What happened was more of an outburst. I babbled in very rapid English about how I know there are cultural differences but in the US things are done a certain way, sooo… what the hell, dude?
It was not my finest cultural sensitivity moment, I’ll admit.
During this monologue, he stared at me a lot. Then, uncertainly, “But I have been introducing you as my girlfriend.” (Note, these introductions were taking place in French, which at the time, I had minimal understanding of. So, this was news to me.)
I have since learned that French guys will indeed date without labeling the relationship approximately until they die
… Or their English-speaking partner demands to know what, exactly, is happening here. It’s paradoxical because there both is and isn’t a lot of nuance to French dating. Often, if a French guy kisses you after a date, in his mind you become what an American would consider “official” but to him is more fluidly “together.” If you’re spending a lot of time together and it feels like you’re dating, as far as he’s concerned, you are. A French guy once told me in a bar: “We only say something if we want to be clear that it’s not serious.”
I’ve thought a lot about the difference between English-speaking (and Spanish-speaking) dating cultures and France, and I’m honestly not sure which is preferable. Both involve the exchange of power between the sexes in a way that can easily become unhealthy on both sides of the ocean, but in the end, I can’t imagine having become “official” with my Frenchie in any other way. He has learned to navigate (and anticipate) my outbursts, and I have learned to approach conversations with him from a place of curiosity rather than disappointment and hurt.
In my opinion, international relationships, above all else, communication and a sincere desire to understand one another
Most of my future colleagues are women, and most of them are dating French men, whom they’d brought out for drinks last night. Sometime after we got to talking, details about the relationships around me came to light. The Brazilian girl and her French boyfriend? Together for a year, and she’d picked their anniversary date because he’d never actually asked her to be his girlfriend. The Spanish girl and her French boyfriend? Together for three years, and she said f*ck it and asked him to be her boyfriend.
Save for later: Valentine’s Day in France – Setting Expectations for Americans
Labels are a funny thing. For their part, the French seem to disdain them for the very reason that English speakers find them reassuring: they’re validating, they’re clear, and they signify an understanding. The more time I spend in France though, particularly with the French language, I have to acknowledge that it is not a language that lends itself to concreteness. It’s here, it’s there, it’s meandering, and it’s both infuriating and compelling all at once. So, I suppose we can’t expect anything less from loving its native speakers.
Have you ever been in a relationship with a French person? What are some differences you’ve navigated while dating French men – or someone from another culture? I’d love to hear your stories in the comments below!
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Thanks for this Claire. I really needed to read it as I am embarking on a new ‘dare I say relationship ‘ with à french guy and I want to kill him 🤣🤣🤣I’m Irish so I am so confused by his words and actions for exemple when I picked à day for a date he told me that it must be spur of the moment. We don’t do this so I’m really struggling to understand why the hell you can’t plan ahead. He told me it’s not à doctors appointment. I’m trying to understand but wondering if we are suites because of it. Other than that he is a beautiful soul.
Brigitte, you made me lol. Yes, the laissez-faire dating approach is alive and well, for better or worse. Hang in there, you guys will find your rhythm eventually! For me, what makes the French way so challenging to deal with sometimes is that the way they form sentences is as if they’re not open to the possibility of doing something differently, so a classic example would be the one you provided. Like, okay, for you a date has to be spur of the moment because that’s how dating is for you. But you should absolutely challenge him and ask, okay, what if dating is different for me? How can we find a way to respect each other’s different view on this, and find a way to meet each other at a point where both feel heard and respected? These may well be questions that have never entered your Frenchie’s head, but if he cares about you, I would hope he’d be open to discussing! In my experience I’ve found the French open to discussions and new ideas, although their phrasing can be a bit abrupt sometimes and take some getting used to. Keep in mind his beautiful soul when the going gets exasperating, and bonne chance 🙂
Hi Claire, we have found the compromise you will be happy to know – I pick the date but I don’t tell him so he doesn’t know and it can be spontaneous from his point of view 😊Then he is like a child asking me when it is but then says no don’t tell me. Its too funny but also really lovely that we can do this as we had a flight and I think he thought that was it with me so he got a fright so now I think he doesn’t care how it’s done as long as we are together – which is the most important thing..Thanks again for writing this as I genuinely thought I was the only one ❤🙏
I am a 26 year old french man and stumbled upon this blog because i myself am in a relationship with a foreign woman.
For anyone reading this i want to clarify what our mentality is here regarding labels. We see relationships (at least, serious ones) as something magical. It’s in the air. It’s in the look in each other’s eyes, the laughs, the attentions, the late night messages, the moments of silence staring at each other with a slight smile. The kisses, the touches. At one point it becomes very obvious that both of us are in love. We don’t consider labels and certainly would never, as an adult, consider asking a woman “would you be my girlfriend”. Past the age of 16 this becomes a very goofy and childish thing to say. Dare i say, it even sounds very “not sexy” to ask such a question. We have such a poetic vision of romance, of charm, of all being in the attitude, that we sometimes feel that words are not necessary, and definitely not labels. We feel like being so straightforward (with our words) would kill the vibe that took so long to get in place. This question (“would you be my girlfriend”) is for children who are just discovering relationships. French adults switch to another level, a kind of “expert mode” which allows us to feel more out of the relationship. Maybe this is what makes us great lovers 😉
It’s always interesting to get a French response to an American perspective. Thanks for your input!
I discuss this with my French partner all the time! When we first started dating I went into it all casual trying not to freak him out and then one night we were out with his friends and this rando person I’d never met joined and he turned to the dude and went “Et ça c’est ma copine Rebecca”..I spent the whole night trying to figure out if he meant “copine” like girlfriend or like “pote” (friend). Finally on the way back to his place at 3 AM, I turned to him and was like “uhhh so you introduced me as your copine…I don’t want to make a big deal but the word has two meanings…”He burst out laughing and said in English, “do you have a problem with the fact that we are in a relationship?” He had thrown the “copine” thing out there in order to see what I wanted because according to him I was being a “total American girl” and super noncommittal (aka he thought I was dating around) when I was just trying to blend in HAHA!
OMG I laughed so hard when I read the part about him calling you a typical American girl. The number of times the Frenchies are so sure they’ve figured us out (and, to be fair, vice versa), but so often it’s the exact opposite! Definitely keeps me on my toes. Thanks for sharing!!
This is so true! I was not asked to be his girlfriend, from one day to the next I was his girlfriend.
Lol, there really must be a middle ground!